i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
