it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
