I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
COCAINE IS GR8
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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