why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
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