There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
