I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
