The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
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