Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
