sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
