the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
