If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
