I just made out with a guy for $7.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
