I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
