I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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