Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
