dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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