I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
