I think my vagina is haunted
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
