you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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