I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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