dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
