I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
this hospital has no fireball
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
