As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
