i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
