I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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