is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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