I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
