so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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