Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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