Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
