if you like me you must not know who I am
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
