Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
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