I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I don't deserve a penis
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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