if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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