K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Soap is not a condiment
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
