That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
