I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
