Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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