Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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