I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
