I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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