Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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