my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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