Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
