bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
