I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
