Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Randomize
