im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
