when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just forgot I was standing up.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
