I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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