I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
