I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
