I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
